RT @MaryMag: Just got to the tomb. Jesus AWOL.

RT @Angel: Rejoice, MaryMag. Jesus has risen from the dead, creating a vast new market for chocolate bunnies, plastic grass and Peeps.

RT @Peter: I went to the Empty Tomb and all I got was this lousy shroud. http://bit.ly/cAa7wk

1st-century episode of  “Undercover Boss.” Jesus goes incognito with two employees on Road to Emmaus. (Luke 24: 13-31)

Undercover Jesus reveals ID at Emmaus Cafe. RT @Disciples: OMG

RT @Jesus: Bingo.

Copyright © 2010 by Roy Rivenburg
Photo by Lin Pernille

Conflicting reports on @Jesus’ whereabouts (http://bit.ly/9OS2fD).

RT @Jesus: No, I am not standing in line for the new iPad.

Read the rest of the story:
Easter Tweets

(Live-blogged via Twitter on April 2, 2010)

Previously on WWGT: Jesus Christ’s Food Revolution, Judas turns out to be a mole, Peter has some explaining to do. http://bit.ly/9isqod

RT @Jesus: I’m at Pontius Pilate’s Palace. #foursquare

RT @Pilate: Welcome to another edition of “Jerusalem Idol.” Text 6660 to vote for Barabbas. Text 7770 to vote for Jesus.

RT @Barabbas: I just ousted @Jesus as Mayor of the Jews!

RT @Pilate:  Earth to Jesus. Hello? Are you going to talk to me?

(John 19:9) RT @Jesus: RT @theMime: …

Lavarse las manos, Pilate.

Jesus sentenced to death. If this happened today, He’d spend next 20 years on Death Row while lawyers appealed sentence.

Also, Christians would wear miniature gas chambers or lethal-injection syringes around their necks instead of crosses.

Pilate’s henchmen treating Jesus like human pinata. (Matt. 27:30)

Wardrobe change (Matt. 27:28-29). http://bit.ly/7EuWM7

RT @Jesus: I’m at the 600 block of Via Dolorosa. Just earned the “veil badge” from Veronica @foursquare. http://bit.ly/9rZA4p

RT @Jesus: Walking tour finally ends at “Golgotha.” Guard says it means “place of the skull.” Not a good sign.

RT @Jesus: Nails being pounded through wrists. Pain unbelievable. Even for me, it’s hard not to swear.

RT @Jesus: Also makes it more difficult to tweet.

RT @Jesus: Father, forgive them. They are clueless.

Las Vegas not invented yet, so soldiers gamble for Jesus’ clothes. (John 19:24)

RT @Jesus: OMG! OMG! Why have you unfriended me?

RT @Jesus: Game over. (John 19:30)

Earthquake, solar eclipse and world’s first zombie invasion. Tombs open and dead people wander Jerusalem. (Matthew 27.52-53)

RT @Centurion: Oops! (Matt. 27:54)

CSI Jerusalem: Evidence indicates death by blunt trauma, loss of blood, suffocation.

@ArimatheaJoe and @NickyD wrap Jesus like a mummy, place him in rock tomb. Pilate posts guards.

Read the rest of the story:
Holy Saturday
Easter Tweets

Copyright © 2010 by Roy Rivenburg

Theologians trace the crisis to a Bible passage in which Jesus promised followers, “In my Father’s house are many mansions. I go to prepare a place for you.”

That set off a heavenly real-estate boom – and a lot of questionable financing, said Vatican economist Max Weber. “It took 2,000 years, but the bubble finally burst.”

The result has been a series of afterlife cutbacks, including angel layoffs, outsourcing prayer requests to a call center in India, and replacing the long tunnel and bright light that people encounter after dying with a cardboard tube and compact fluorescent bulb.

Even the thermostat in Hell has been dialed down to a balmy 85 degrees to control energy costs.

All religions have been affected:

• Muslim martyrs expecting to spend eternity with 72 virgins will now have to make do with inflatable dolls.
• Dead Mormons hoping to rule their own planets in the afterlife will instead run a time-share planet for two weeks a year.

This article originally appeared at NotTheLATimes.com
Photo by Diego Cupolo